Thanksgiving Dinner

This one has been in my family for years. We’ve tried a few schemes to ditch it, but nothing’s worked so far. Not the healthiest meal you’ll ever have, but it’s guaranteed to add some zest to your holiday.


  • 75g (3-oz.) butter, plus extra to grease the doorway for cousin Angie
  • 12 buttermilk rolls, likely from a tube, but homemade will suffice if a certain show-off aunt insists
  • 3lbs. green beans
  • enough mashed starch to fill a casket
  • 25lbs. turkey-shaped sleeping pill
  • 24-oz. canned cran goop
  • 2 gallons of sour mash whiskey
  • 1 large pumpkin pie (Sara Lee)
  • Nutmeg to taste

Invite people who share your surname to gather at your house for a Thanksgiving meal. Be sure not to discriminate based upon personal history- by design, the holiday is equipped to handle distasteful occasions by applying a thick, yet palatable coat of whitewash.  Before the guests arrive, pour one full glass of whiskey directly into throat, then shamble around the house, straightening picture frames, tidying clutter, and performing other general maintenance to decrease the chance of snarky claims to “love what you’ve done with the place.”

Arrange the ingredients in a row (buffet style) and have another glass of whiskey. Review the ingredients carefully. Consider whether you would like to eat any of them now. According to preference, eat the pie. Rearrange remaining items as needed.

Next, choose some dishes to serve the food on. Use a turkey plate for the turkey, a rolls plate for the rolls, a whiskey plate for the whiskey, etc. Remember that in order to get at the cran goop, you’ll need strong teeth or something else sharp. If you’re a lady, maybe use your nails? Have another glass of whiskey and consider the best approach.

Preheat the oven to 355F (180C). Place any of the dishes into the oven and bake for about 20 minutes, until the skin or crust or whatever has set and the top is golden-brown. Pour whatever isn’t in the oven over whatever is in the oven. Have another glass of whiskey, then sprinkle nutmeg somewhere and maybe sit down a minute.

When the first guest arrives, inform him that the door is open and to come on in. If the door is not open, have another glass of whiskey, and try to recall when it was you locked it. If the door is open, have another glass of whiskey.

Once all the guests have arrived (inside the house or just massed on the front porch), take a moment to remind them of why you only get together once or twice a year. Ask them to consider going home.  If they still aren’t convinced, show them the contents of the oven.

Lastly, share what you are most thankful for by distributing the second gallon of whiskey amongst any lingering relatives. Order a pizza, and once it arrives (or before), have a lie down ‘til New Year’s.


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